Am I now or have I ever been…

Am I now or have I ever been?

Externally and physically
Inviting to the opposite sex,
Internally and emotionally
Distant and frigid to love,
Forever lost,
Doubting my place, my goodness
And my worth to another.

Pushing away sweetness and warmth,
Ignore a face of beauty,
An opportunity to share life
By treating closeness as a threat,
Consciously self harming the connection,
Tearing apart romance and trust,
Feeling guilty and broken inside,
But long term, I felt, I must.

No love left
I was bereft,
So many good people lost
To a mind of no confidence,
A charm with no substance,
And a heart that self destructs
When touched

Am I now,
Or have I ever been
Worthy of a free conscious,
To be finially empty of self pity and sabotage,
Why did I always condemn my soul
To isolation?

I will not know the answer
For I no more question my place,
By choice I add truthfully, not by avoidance,
I now live in some kind of elation
When a precious connection presents itself
As a friend.

Those who befriended me in my youth,
And even at present
I salute you,
Conversation never comes easy,
Though fleeing does,
For us to both stand our grounds
And endure for friendship
Is a lifeline to some,
And a miracle of development,
In character and personality,
For a sufferer of worry and displacement
Like me.

Time between sleep

As the sun rises
The mind sets
On a horizon of space
And joyful chaos,
Carrying you on a journey
Of laughter and confusion
Through an orbit of mischief,
Only returning,
By holding the hands of the stars
Who lay you back down
In comfort and wonder,
Until you’re awakened fully
Wondering, if your voyage was true
As dreams can tell lies,
Though what can’t be hidden
Or ever taken
Is the sparkle, left in your eyes

Set Free

Save myself by creating heartbreak
Ending affection for ending sake
Not personal, a quick draw decision
Wouldn’t of lasted, said my premonition
Of a close soul breaking my heart
To escape I quickly force it apart
Convinced my dark vision is true
Before it’s me I’ll end it with you
Romance is dead but the pain lives
Couldn’t control the doubt love gives,
living life with stop and starts
Short lived dates and broken hearts

The one set loose will find a match
To with feelings, there is no catch
No pits of empty days or sorrow
No happy one day, down tomorrow
By then the jealously creeps to bite
Thinking about them close at night
With an anxious mind it’s hard to confide
The insecurity locked inside

Can’t commit to time or to lust
Defences are high in the aspect of trust
Testing to see who will try and return
Loneliness the only lesson to learn
Always looking for that one salvation
Who saves me from my false self-preservation

Affliction

When do you set an addict free
She asked herself
To be free of the pain
And let the mouth finally run dry

When the blood is Polluted
To the point of evaporation
And spills from every orifice,
The tank is full

When denial is life
And words on repeat,
Do we break away
And let our safety release

When once bright eyes
Look back vacant and cold
Is it now the time
To let the stranger go

No more lying or living pretend
Own now your Destiny of how it will end

Reach my dear, reach to the stars
Drift high so the addict will fade,
Though the body will wither and die
Your soul at least, will be saved.

Forsaken

Wipe the moisture from words spoken
Then was a different time.
A shallow belief in the healing power
Years bring.
Not only appearances change
Internal aspects develop
Maturing to produce surprising acts.

I wish we would meet once more
My personality now encouraged to spread.
Stood from where it hid
Shadowed and intimidated
By beauty and popularity.

I was neither in my own eyes
Abuse proved the ideals of my self worth
Mirrored and lived
Through the script of thoughts.

Still my reflection is disgruntled
Shattered pieces of soul
Lay floored
Depicting memories of scattered remains.

Poker Face

Short term elation hangs
Where addiction masks the madness
Painting a wealth of contentment
On a frustrated canvas of sadness

Pressure to spill fresh blood
Break the skin of self harm
Release the anxieties of coping
Take away the gamblers charm

The scabs of healed past
Become embers of the guilty
Punishing through instant gratification
Though quick healing leaves self pity

Hurting own form the true biggest gamble
As materials are soon won and lost
Scarring own human shell a sacred act
Giving relief but at what cost

Compulsions fight the middle ground
A hunger swell, holds no control
To ruin life through obsession
Leaves too great a debt to repay the soul.

Found in a corner

A Human shape of dark gold
picture of a fallen angel,

Though out of tears of humanity
comes beauty,

A Stage where the devil danced
sits a heart full of romance,

Skin cold to the touch,
narrow eyes say so much,

Demons plead to vanity
betraying oneself through insanity,

Rages of a daggers thrust,
again, never be able to trust

Left at the bottom starved of humanity,
begging loud for sanity,

Mouth drying for life of hunger
physically harming to creep from slumber,

A soul of sugar succumbed to salt,
guilt embedded, self always at fault

Be the soul that holds the hand
to lift the person from the ground,

Acknowledge those Deep Blue eyes of fright,
buried inside hides a light.

Blossom

Laughing in the success of failure
Somehow I knew you hated me
Judged by external blemishes
And short minded deviants
Who only see, what they want to see

Believe the fragile foundations
Where truth sits balanced
Where a lie weighs down the world
Collapsing the final ounce of confidence

Society now accepts
Colourful to admire
Quiet as strange                                      Loud as a superstar
Normal as estranged

No wonder personalities dance for eternity,                                              Without falling into place
As the selfish run the asylum                Not allowing room for a diverse face

Our bones are the substance
The soul radiates lifes powers
Whatever age we’re taken
We will all lye down with flowers.

Survivors Guilt

Being alive
Means living, mourning the dead
Burdening the guilt
Of an innocent passing
Should have been me instead.
Please, take this life
That’s been self condemned
A mind half crazy
Not on the mend.
Any contact between the once alive
And all that was said
Reacts in my mind
Affecting my heart
Catching up to my head.
Leave the untainted souls
I wish to be taken
Took early by the gods of life
But they’ve been mistaken.
Up until their untimely deaths
I’ve just been holding on
I’m happy to let go
To relinquish this breathing con.
I cower at funerals, saying goodbye
Head down diverted
From the deceased families eyes.
As my heart still beats
It feels like a timeless curse
Take me, my life is expendable
I don’t live it as it’s worth.