Night Creepers

At night I crawl,
Spread out and creep,
Forever awake
Barely ever asleep

They are open
The pathways of my eyes,
But I’m not listening
It’s a familiar disguise

The panic is suppressed
And the mask starts to shake,
Again it’s exhausting
Forever awake

I don’t need understanding
I don’t need belief
What I need from my thinking
Is some truth and relief

It’s a lifelong phase
To live mentally ill
To you its invisible
To me it’s fucking real.

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Gremlins

Time never exchanges
Love for lost chances,
If anything it ridicules
By circling hope
In front of distant eyes,
The world shrinks
For a searching heart,
Spiderwebs bolts of emotions
That fizz out,
Only Returning to jolt pain
Of emotions lost,

The colour red
Flows internally,
Dripping with drops of regret
Like sweat off a peach
Or blood from an open wound,
One time anxiety ruled
And life was lost
To intrusive, irrational thoughts,
History will never die
Or repeat,
It will also burden the soul no more,
Our thoughts
Will just Rejoice in the experience,
Exist in peace,
And sit as a memory
Like an outline faded in smoke.

Intrusive

Intrusive —
Once writing this would’ve crippled me
I mean the thought of it would
The idea of tempting fate, Wow
Knowing now I can, and always could

Best to face the beast head on
No more living in the depths of life
No more invisibly leashed, being led on
No more stabbed with a thought provoked knife

Physical fights and words scare me
But mostly it’s my compulsive thoughts
Ninety nine percent mean nothing at all
But that’s the ones I fought

Now I can write the words, talk the talk
Push back false hope from my head
Still knowing it’s a fine line I walk
For now the darkness has been put to bed.

Intrusive thoughts


I have been living with OCD and intrusive thoughts for over thirty years. It is such a disabling mental illness; it’s really hard for someone without it to understand the distress it causes.
Trying to explain OCD and intrusive thoughts to a person makes you sound mad.

Think about it, a seemingly rational person, feeling guilty, avoiding and taking no risks due to being crippled by the irrational thoughts in their own head.
But millions of people deal with this every day.
Fifteen years ago I had CBT for my unwanted intrusive thoughts, and even up to five years ago, and each time I was told and taught the same way to deal with the thoughts:
‘Try and think of something positive instead to counter the negative thought’.
Another technique was like the ‘Whack a mole game’ Every time I had an intrusive thought pop up, I had to visually whack it in my head. So I would spend days, weeks, pretending to whack these thoughts in my head with a pretend Mallett. I’m sure at the time these were the latest techniques, but it has now been proved it is the wrong way to deal with unwanted intrusive thoughts, because as soon as you engage with the thought, in any capacity, it will start the vicious circle of negative emotions and feelings.

I found a book called ‘Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts’ by Sally M. Winston and Martin N. Seif.

And since then I haven’t looked back. It taught me the modern ways of dealing with these unwanted thoughts.
First of all Unwanted Intrusive thoughts are thoughts we all have, but some people react overly emotionally to ones that don’t fit the character they have built for themselves. So they question the thoughts’ meaning, which turns into a cycle of questioning and guilt.

The OCD thoughts’ content can be violent, sexual, criminal, religious, personal, anything that causes a negative reaction to the mind.
One thing to learn is that any thought can be tolerated, ANY!

A thought is just a thought, the distress is caused by engaging with the seemingly bad awful ones, and start questioning,
‘Could I really do this, am I some kind of Deviant?’,
‘Thinking this must make me a bad person’,
‘I must be insane or a pervert to think this way’.
The truth is nearly everyone has bad or out of character thoughts, 90% of the population, but most people shrug them off for what they are, junk, rubbish, imagination, just a thought, and with this kind of attitude it goes as quickly as it came, leaving with no trace.
Anxious people, like myself, engage with the thought,
Asking, Why me?
What if?
What can I do?
What does it mean?
But I can’t stress this enough, it’s just a thought. A thought about flowers is the same as a thought about killing someone, or pushing a person on the road. It’s just some people engage with the bad or ridiculous thoughts, so they stick around. What happens when you try and not think about something? It sticks around and keeps coming back with more force.
The best technique, or tool, call it whatever you want, couldn’t be simpler; Accept the thought for what it is, just a thought.

Let it be, and carry on life with whatever you’re doing.
Be it while working, on a date, watching telly, at the cinema, or walking, just accept it and move on. I know from experience these thoughts can strike anywhere, making you doubt life and happiness. But to just accept it and carry on is so powerful when it works. The light bulb comes on, forever!
Any thought can be tolerated, ANY! Just accept and allow, no fighting or questioning, let it be. Once you engage, or try to rationalise an intrusive thought you’re trapped in the cycle of forever questioning what it means.
It means nothing, it’s just a thought, maybe not a nice one, but just a thought all the same. It means nothing about your character, your personality, your sanity, your past or future, it’s just a thought, accept and allow it for what it is.
Engaging with unwanted intrusive thoughts can bring on feelings of guilt, shame, disgust, isolation, and being a bad person. Nothing is further from the truth. An evil or psychotic personality would not feel anxious about having violent, sexual, or criminal thoughts. So to feel anxious and guilty about unwanted intrusive thoughts shows proof of a good character. It’s the character and choices of a person that defines them, not their thoughts or imagination.

I struggled and struggled with intrusive thoughts, but this clicked with me, and it’s simple. Just allow the thought, accept it’s just a thought. A random, nonsensical, crazy kind of thought, that makes no sense, but it’s just a thought. It doesn’t say anything about you as a person. It doesn’t mean there is a hidden evil inside you waiting to come out, trying to come forth in your mind, it’s just a thought. Laugh or forget about it, just accept and allow it to be there and in time it will drift off with no anxiety.
Using this technique in my therapy sessions, and reading the book I mentioned earlier changed my life forever.

I even used this technique for my OCD. I used to check all the time because my mind was telling me if I didn’t something bad would happen to me or my family, so I kept carrying out the rituals. Since learning about intrusive thoughts, I used this technique to stop my compulsions. When OCD tries to tempt me, I would tell myself it’s just an intrusive thought, it means nothing, and that helped me to keep walking away. Gradually the anxiety got lower after each time.
I was worried this would turn into another compulsion, but in the end the urge and temptation to check went without having to think or remind myself too much, so it became the normal to not obsess and give in to the thoughts.
Liked this article? Check a similar article: Why Is Self-Care An Absolute Important?

Chris Chant
I’ve suffered with OCD and Intrusive thoughts for thirty two years. I’m a qualified person-centered counsellor. I write poetry as it helps my mental health, and I have a Poetry Facebook page, a Blog, and a Book that was released last year called Encryption of the Mind.
I use writing as a tool to express my feelings and to create something unique. When you feel safe enough to give your Imagination freedom, it’s wonderful thing.

CONTACT ME

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POSTED IN WELL-BEINGTAGGED AFFECTED MENTAL HEALTH, CHRIS CHANT, HOW TO FIGHT OCD, INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS HELP, INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS TREATMENT, MENTAL DISORDER, MENTAL DISORDER HELP, MENTAL HEALTH, MENTAL SELF-CARE, OCD, OCD HELP, OCD PATIENT, OCD STORY, OCD SURVIVOR, OCD THERAPY, OCD WARRIOR, OCD WARRIORS, PROFESSIONAL OCD HELP, SELFLOVE

A Night Out

Can you hear the silence
That’s me in the dark corner
Keeping quiet
Not speaking a word
Avoiding eye to eye,
But even though I’m innocent
I emit dark guilty vibes
Or thats how it feels,
In my mind
Im Batting away stares
With evidence
Of a alibi
Running through my head,
No crime has been committed
Or deviant deed undertaken
So why does guilt
Deep red my face
Cause my pores to seep
Like the sweat of a condemned man,
Pressure mounts
And I flee the scene
Hiding my face
Quickening my stroll
Until I reach the door
Of escape, literally,
I chance a glance to the crowd,
No looks to my direction
Heads not shifted an inch
Not even a slightest turn,
No ones even pretended to notice
I’ve vacated the building
And I’ve Left my seat cold,
My thoughts led my mind
To Think I’m the centrepiece
Of attention,
When of course
Im The polar opposite
Invisible and silent,
Reality sets in
My subconscious has excused me
From trying
With a fake thought trail
Mixed with physical traits
Of anxiety and guilt
So I could leave without obligation,
I’m at home, all alone,
Once again
Suffering from avoidance
Intrusive thoughts
Suppressed obligation
And a massive dose
Of a life lost.

Breakdown

We take a Calculated risk to open up
The eyes of our soul,
A window that cannot be closed
Or true reflections fabricated,
Each colour and thought
Between you and I
Varies in content
And meaning,
But we thrive to live
In this trapped consciousness
Of Tangled webs,
Entwined blind and twisted
In body and soul
In a chamber of darkness
Reminiscent of a demon concoction
Enduring endless deep emotions
At every turn,
We feel vindicated
That this voyage is just our journey
Not a journey of billions,
For this we feel guilt
Though we should not
As it’s a wasted expelling of energy
To comprehend
Where there is no answer,
I beg whoever
To close the portal of dark imagination,
Shut off the vivid dreams
That haunt our minds
And control the strings
Of daily torment.

Clouds

As with life,
Beauty is seen through blinkered eyes,
Surrounded by shadows and darkness,
Even squinted
See the brilliant brightness
Of the future,
Time is a loop
So wait for the blend,
So the spirit is free to roam,
Back and forth
Balancing between
Light and dark.

Belief

We need to smooth the ride
For People that shouldn’t have died,
A spiritual involvement perhaps?
Before a person’s mind will collapse,
Every day, it happens every day
Vibrant lifes are taken away,
Just one, one other to understand
So life not extinguished by own hand.

Switch

Switch

Bored of the switchboard
Turning in my head
Dialing mostly crazy
Acting out dead

Bored of the switchboard
Forever out of tune
Keep twisting onto normal
But end up on the moon

Thoughts are playing over
Set at the wrong speed
No wonder life is fuzzy
No wonder my nose bleeds

Spinning on a rock pile
Insanity to unique
The only guarantee
Crazy is on repeat.

Underneath the sky

Do you know the fear
Of stepping outside,
Shaking with exhaustion,
To have Convulsions
With the thought
Of impending doom
From venturing in to the world.

Choosing instead to stay
In the zone of comfort,
Ride out the anxiety,
Hide from any knocking doors,
Cover my ears, praying they will leave,
Eyes tightly shut, only opening
To Time watch the clock,
Waiting,
Until the deadline passes
That I was expected.

At this time relief sets in
A weight is lifted,
Able to exhale,
Even though I’ve failed,
Let people down
Through not turning up,
Ruining reputation,
Using up all the forgiveness allowed,
Resulting in bad looks and stares from afar.

Even though because of this,
I’m relieved,
I didn’t have to go,
Put myself through hell
By advancing through the front door,
I can live with this for tonight,
Enjoy the feeling of safety,
Celebrate my avoidance,
I’ve got away with it once again…
Until the next time.