True

A poem I wrote about 15 years ago…

True

First time my heart broke
Was after we spoke
About your new friend
I knew it was the end

I was to blame
I became an old flame
But my heart still froze
When it wasn’t me you chose

I would write a letter
To make it all better
Then deliver it drunk
That’s how low I sunk

Never lost so many tears
In a space of a year
When life with a red
Was alive and then dead

Not to sound preachy
But when life seems peachy
Dont let them go
And leave your heart with a hole

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No love lost

No love lost

A child with sensitivity to feelings
Living with a parent with no emotion,
Is like drowning in the ocean,
Never dying.
The adult only walks the selfish direction
Widening the gap of bond and blood
Separating the connection
Between father and son,
Family home a safe haven turned toxic
By the golem who created his kingdom,
And his alone.
Willing freely to give you away,
Maybe bribe you with silver
To leave their place
So you burden them no more

Sowed the seed but not willing to feed
The emotionally hungry figure of youth,
Not because of behavioral actions
Or laziness tendencies on your part,
But through deviant selfishness
To thrive without ties of a child
Giving the responsibility of parent
To the world,
No wonder as an adolescent we feel abandoned,
Left stranded to survive
With no tools to speak of,
Its pointless to eventually seek blame
They hold no shame,
And learn nothing other to treat your babe,
Their legacy and grandchild,
The same.

Intrusive thoughts


I have been living with OCD and intrusive thoughts for over thirty years. It is such a disabling mental illness; it’s really hard for someone without it to understand the distress it causes.
Trying to explain OCD and intrusive thoughts to a person makes you sound mad.

Think about it, a seemingly rational person, feeling guilty, avoiding and taking no risks due to being crippled by the irrational thoughts in their own head.
But millions of people deal with this every day.
Fifteen years ago I had CBT for my unwanted intrusive thoughts, and even up to five years ago, and each time I was told and taught the same way to deal with the thoughts:
‘Try and think of something positive instead to counter the negative thought’.
Another technique was like the ‘Whack a mole game’ Every time I had an intrusive thought pop up, I had to visually whack it in my head. So I would spend days, weeks, pretending to whack these thoughts in my head with a pretend Mallett. I’m sure at the time these were the latest techniques, but it has now been proved it is the wrong way to deal with unwanted intrusive thoughts, because as soon as you engage with the thought, in any capacity, it will start the vicious circle of negative emotions and feelings.

I found a book called ‘Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts’ by Sally M. Winston and Martin N. Seif.

And since then I haven’t looked back. It taught me the modern ways of dealing with these unwanted thoughts.
First of all Unwanted Intrusive thoughts are thoughts we all have, but some people react overly emotionally to ones that don’t fit the character they have built for themselves. So they question the thoughts’ meaning, which turns into a cycle of questioning and guilt.

The OCD thoughts’ content can be violent, sexual, criminal, religious, personal, anything that causes a negative reaction to the mind.
One thing to learn is that any thought can be tolerated, ANY!

A thought is just a thought, the distress is caused by engaging with the seemingly bad awful ones, and start questioning,
‘Could I really do this, am I some kind of Deviant?’,
‘Thinking this must make me a bad person’,
‘I must be insane or a pervert to think this way’.
The truth is nearly everyone has bad or out of character thoughts, 90% of the population, but most people shrug them off for what they are, junk, rubbish, imagination, just a thought, and with this kind of attitude it goes as quickly as it came, leaving with no trace.
Anxious people, like myself, engage with the thought,
Asking, Why me?
What if?
What can I do?
What does it mean?
But I can’t stress this enough, it’s just a thought. A thought about flowers is the same as a thought about killing someone, or pushing a person on the road. It’s just some people engage with the bad or ridiculous thoughts, so they stick around. What happens when you try and not think about something? It sticks around and keeps coming back with more force.
The best technique, or tool, call it whatever you want, couldn’t be simpler; Accept the thought for what it is, just a thought.

Let it be, and carry on life with whatever you’re doing.
Be it while working, on a date, watching telly, at the cinema, or walking, just accept it and move on. I know from experience these thoughts can strike anywhere, making you doubt life and happiness. But to just accept it and carry on is so powerful when it works. The light bulb comes on, forever!
Any thought can be tolerated, ANY! Just accept and allow, no fighting or questioning, let it be. Once you engage, or try to rationalise an intrusive thought you’re trapped in the cycle of forever questioning what it means.
It means nothing, it’s just a thought, maybe not a nice one, but just a thought all the same. It means nothing about your character, your personality, your sanity, your past or future, it’s just a thought, accept and allow it for what it is.
Engaging with unwanted intrusive thoughts can bring on feelings of guilt, shame, disgust, isolation, and being a bad person. Nothing is further from the truth. An evil or psychotic personality would not feel anxious about having violent, sexual, or criminal thoughts. So to feel anxious and guilty about unwanted intrusive thoughts shows proof of a good character. It’s the character and choices of a person that defines them, not their thoughts or imagination.

I struggled and struggled with intrusive thoughts, but this clicked with me, and it’s simple. Just allow the thought, accept it’s just a thought. A random, nonsensical, crazy kind of thought, that makes no sense, but it’s just a thought. It doesn’t say anything about you as a person. It doesn’t mean there is a hidden evil inside you waiting to come out, trying to come forth in your mind, it’s just a thought. Laugh or forget about it, just accept and allow it to be there and in time it will drift off with no anxiety.
Using this technique in my therapy sessions, and reading the book I mentioned earlier changed my life forever.

I even used this technique for my OCD. I used to check all the time because my mind was telling me if I didn’t something bad would happen to me or my family, so I kept carrying out the rituals. Since learning about intrusive thoughts, I used this technique to stop my compulsions. When OCD tries to tempt me, I would tell myself it’s just an intrusive thought, it means nothing, and that helped me to keep walking away. Gradually the anxiety got lower after each time.
I was worried this would turn into another compulsion, but in the end the urge and temptation to check went without having to think or remind myself too much, so it became the normal to not obsess and give in to the thoughts.
Liked this article? Check a similar article: Why Is Self-Care An Absolute Important?

Chris Chant
I’ve suffered with OCD and Intrusive thoughts for thirty two years. I’m a qualified person-centered counsellor. I write poetry as it helps my mental health, and I have a Poetry Facebook page, a Blog, and a Book that was released last year called Encryption of the Mind.
I use writing as a tool to express my feelings and to create something unique. When you feel safe enough to give your Imagination freedom, it’s wonderful thing.

CONTACT ME

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POSTED IN WELL-BEINGTAGGED AFFECTED MENTAL HEALTH, CHRIS CHANT, HOW TO FIGHT OCD, INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS HELP, INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS TREATMENT, MENTAL DISORDER, MENTAL DISORDER HELP, MENTAL HEALTH, MENTAL SELF-CARE, OCD, OCD HELP, OCD PATIENT, OCD STORY, OCD SURVIVOR, OCD THERAPY, OCD WARRIOR, OCD WARRIORS, PROFESSIONAL OCD HELP, SELFLOVE

Plague of the Mind

Obsession and addiction
A impossible combination,
Producing cocktails of terrific imagination,
No positives, just darkness
A darkness to test the spirit
Test the soul,
And pain reality away.

Truth becomes blurred,
Projecting a mind
And a mindset of being disturbed,
Choas reigns, not through choice,
But because chosen
By the finger of fate
And the dark humour of nature.

We are pained, we are tortured
We are unique and flawed,
Living in the past
Crying of the future
Dying slowly in the present,
Please forgive us,
And tread lightly on our souls.

Clouds

As with life,
Beauty is seen through blinkered eyes,
Surrounded by shadows and darkness,
Even squinted
See the brilliant brightness
Of the future,
Time is a loop
So wait for the blend,
So the spirit is free to roam,
Back and forth
Balancing between
Light and dark.

Parachutes

I feel sad and I cry
I cry because I lie
I lie to calm the day
Smile the hours away
But Deep inside I hide.
Real grief not lame belief
Brings relief,
A chance to be real
With how I feel
That comes with sadness
An emotional mess
Which comes naturally to me,
I can’t fake happy
I try but not really
I pretend to smile
But it goes on awhile
And becomes lazy
A Face of a crazy,
So I stay the side of sad
I know it sounds mad
But it’s all I know
To help me grow
So at least i can blend
And try and make a friend.

Toleration

Toleration

‘Not more words from prophet of doom
Where does this soul find the room?’
-‘Its true I write the bad I’ve felt
Dark places I’ve been, edges I’ve knelt
-‘Inside their head those words of pain
What do they ever hope to gain?’
-‘An outlet I use, a voice to spread
Of all the things I wished I said’
-‘I bet they always need help and reliance
Bringing people down with their awkward silence’
-‘I feel the tensions, sense the sound
Its harder sometimes when I’m around’
-We’ve all had issue’s, we just don’t tell
Why do they have to sulk and dwell’
-‘I’m affected worse it’s my mind you see
Stick around I’m actually quite funny’
-‘Truth is I don’t understand or relate
Surely writing this will seal their fate’
-‘I want to feel joy and that’s the key
Depressions easy to feel but harder to see’
-‘Just carry on, life’s way too short
We all suffer, just don’t give it a thought’
-‘I suffer alone, head in my hand
The reasons why I don’t understand’

Am I now or have I ever been…

Am I now or have I ever been?

Externally and physically
Inviting to the opposite sex,
Internally and emotionally
Distant and frigid to love,
Forever lost,
Doubting my place, my goodness
And my worth to another.

Pushing away sweetness and warmth,
Ignore a face of beauty,
An opportunity to share life
By treating closeness as a threat,
Consciously self harming the connection,
Tearing apart romance and trust,
Feeling guilty and broken inside,
But long term, I felt, I must.

No love left
I was bereft,
So many good people lost
To a mind of no confidence,
A charm with no substance,
And a heart that self destructs
When touched

Am I now,
Or have I ever been
Worthy of a free conscious,
To be finially empty of self pity and sabotage,
Why did I always condemn my soul
To isolation?

I will not know the answer
For I no more question my place,
By choice I add truthfully, not by avoidance,
I now live in some kind of elation
When a precious connection presents itself
As a friend.

Those who befriended me in my youth,
And even at present
I salute you,
Conversation never comes easy,
Though fleeing does,
For us to both stand our grounds
And endure for friendship
Is a lifeline to some,
And a miracle of development,
In character and personality,
For a sufferer of worry and displacement
Like me.

Feels like seven

Body aching and the mind sore
Affects of liquid draining sorrows, from nights before
Soul stretched out, glaring at the weeks pain
Flickers of memories being rabid and vain

Effects worn off, mind takes in reality
Pain relief worn away, chemical glass half empty
Beginning of the wèek like a deep mist
Plodding in deeper, mind hitting fist

Hate being in the middle, all my life there
Can taste the weeks flavour, thoughts have no flair
Mind pulling in and away, forcing a strain
Wishing my life away; a life built on pain

One more sleepless night until sorrows drowned
Chemical suppressant lined up and downed
Today caught in limbo, half searching soul
Jumping forward, alert, no complete control

Guilt of past had, now long forgotten
Head looking forward, heart scent of rotten
Endless feelings of waves of waste
Mental and physical leaving bad taste

Wake with the curse, enjoyment and regret
Remembering some, others hard to forget
Body and soul forever spinning round
Drill in the mind, pain with no sound

Two nights of fun, memory wipe drinking
Truth hard to swallow, soul slowly sinking
Friends have an edge, a look, and a tone
The worst part is feeling completely alone