True

A poem I wrote about 15 years ago…

True

First time my heart broke
Was after we spoke
About your new friend
I knew it was the end

I was to blame
I became an old flame
But my heart still froze
When it wasn’t me you chose

I would write a letter
To make it all better
Then deliver it drunk
That’s how low I sunk

Never lost so many tears
In a space of a year
When life with a red
Was alive and then dead

Not to sound preachy
But when life seems peachy
Dont let them go
And leave your heart with a hole

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Set Free

Save myself by creating heartbreak
Ending affection for ending sake
Not personal, a quick draw decision
Wouldn’t of lasted, said my premonition
Of a close soul breaking my heart
To escape I quickly force it apart
Convinced my dark vision is true
Before it’s me I’ll end it with you
Romance is dead but the pain lives
Couldn’t control the doubt love gives,
living life with stop and starts
Short lived dates and broken hearts

The one set loose will find a match
To with feelings, there is no catch
No pits of empty days or sorrow
No happy one day, down tomorrow
By then the jealously creeps to bite
Thinking about them close at night
With an anxious mind it’s hard to confide
The insecurity locked inside

Can’t commit to time or to lust
Defences are high in the aspect of trust
Testing to see who will try and return
Loneliness the only lesson to learn
Always looking for that one salvation
Who saves me from my false self-preservation.

Bitter

I’m not bitter
But my soul has been bit
I bleed for the family
And drown out the shit,
The most critical of parent
Forced child from the house
He loved only himself
And his new spouse,
Factually the adult
Acts though the child
Forever the narcissist
A martyr ran wild,
Blood rains like water
Waters tainted with blood,
When the family tree grows
You’ll be buried in the mud.

Imagine

Just imagine
What a little encouragement would do,
Change someone’s life,
From give up
To see it through

Easiest thing in the world
To slander and slate,
But all you will receive back,
Is zero respect
And hate

Even if that person
Is making you mad or frustrated,
Just Encourage and praise
Act like your elated

No good can come
From shouts and name calling,
Its bullying and calculating
To kick a soul when its falling

For a person
It’s a form of torture
To sit through personal torment,
Even if the delivery
Is harsher than it’s meant.

Any negative turned to positive
Alters a minds choices,
A window to think for themselves
Not listen to irrational voices.

If someone has a critical opinion
Its definitely not true,
It comes from a cold heart
Where its easier to be cruel

Encourage absolutely and always
Criticism cuts like a knife,
It’s the best way to act
It will change someone’s life.

No love lost

No love lost

A child with sensitivity to feelings
Living with a parent with no emotion,
Is like drowning in the ocean,
Never dying.
The adult only walks the selfish direction
Widening the gap of bond and blood
Separating the connection
Between father and son,
Family home a safe haven turned toxic
By the golem who created his kingdom,
And his alone.
Willing freely to give you away,
Maybe bribe you with silver
To leave their place
So you burden them no more

Sowed the seed but not willing to feed
The emotionally hungry figure of youth,
Not because of behavioral actions
Or laziness tendencies on your part,
But through deviant selfishness
To thrive without ties of a child
Giving the responsibility of parent
To the world,
No wonder as an adolescent we feel abandoned,
Left stranded to survive
With no tools to speak of,
Its pointless to eventually seek blame
They hold no shame,
And learn nothing other to treat your babe,
Their legacy and grandchild,
The same.

Night Creepers

At night I crawl,
Spread out and creep,
Forever awake
Barely ever asleep

They are open
The pathways of my eyes,
But I’m not listening
It’s a familiar disguise

The panic is suppressed
And the mask starts to shake,
Again it’s exhausting
Forever awake

I don’t need understanding
I don’t need belief
What I need from my thinking
Is some truth and relief

It’s a lifelong phase
To live mentally ill
To you its invisible
To me it’s fucking real.

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Gremlins

Time never exchanges
Love for lost chances,
If anything it ridicules
By circling hope
In front of distant eyes,
The world shrinks
For a searching heart,
Spiderwebs bolts of emotions
That fizz out,
Only Returning to jolt pain
Of emotions lost,

The colour red
Flows internally,
Dripping with drops of regret
Like sweat off a peach
Or blood from an open wound,
One time anxiety ruled
And life was lost
To intrusive, irrational thoughts,
History will never die
Or repeat,
It will also burden the soul no more,
Our thoughts
Will just Rejoice in the experience,
Exist in peace,
And sit as a memory
Like an outline faded in smoke.

Intrusive

Intrusive —
Once writing this would’ve crippled me
I mean the thought of it would
The idea of tempting fate, Wow
Knowing now I can, and always could

Best to face the beast head on
No more living in the depths of life
No more invisibly leashed, being led on
No more stabbed with a thought provoked knife

Physical fights and words scare me
But mostly it’s my compulsive thoughts
Ninety nine percent mean nothing at all
But that’s the ones I fought

Now I can write the words, talk the talk
Push back false hope from my head
Still knowing it’s a fine line I walk
For now the darkness has been put to bed.

Dear Papa

Tread upon my memory
Twist the past to suit
So now I dwell in silence
And cry for help in mute.

You cannot talk for dread
Of upsetting your life of now
A coward never thinks
Just nods his head and bows

Similar in physicality
Only way that we’re the same
When people ask about me
You stutter at my name.

Deny any blood relations
Making young generations cry
When they knock the door in decades
Will you look them in the eye.

And repeat..

… I cannot sleep,
I over think,
My mind switches on
Tunes in
To endless channels
Of riddles and junk.
I’m not the only one
Just one of many,
Who wake in the dark
Sleep never,
And lyes thinking up myths
Instead of staring at truths.
I hear nothing
And hear all,
Seeing shapes and shadows,
Forming stories
That won’t exist forever.
I’ll sleep tomorrow night
It’ll be different then,
And if I can’t,
I shall speak with you again.